Greetings my peeps…
Venturing into this cyber-world is scary…yet strangely liberating. I am choosing to share my innermost thoughts, joys, struggles, and ideas on what it means to inhabit this being called Marisela. I am a mother. I am a partner in life. I am a scholar. I am one of a handful. I am often “the only” but never quite feel like “the one.” I am a MiChicana who is trying to get her PhD in Sociology at Emory University.
So…what will I share?
My PhD Journey
I am the first in my family to go to college which means I understand both the pride and burn of being a trailblazer. While my family would encourage me to sigue adelante*, they could never truly understand how lonely, frustrating, but rewarding it feels to blaze that trail. On one hand, I love being a role model to my students and sharing what I have learned on this journey to a PhD. On the other, it is very frustrating being asked if I am my son’s nanny. (I will write more about this later.)
Still, I love my research. I love talking about race and difference. I love seeing connections. I encourage you to visit My Research page and view the video relating to my teaching philosophy to get an idea of how this weird brain of mine thinks.
My Weight Loss Journey
I am also an individual who has struggled with my weight my entire life. My earliest memory is at the age of five when my pediatrician poked my pudgy little belly and declared that I was, “Too fat!” From then on, my mother (whom I love very much) would call me Fatso-rella, Shamu, Gorda, etc…all to shame me into losing weight. As a result, I can’t remember a time in my life when I was not struggling. I even “won” the battle at least three times by losing over 100 pounds each time but it always managed to come back. My fourth and last time, however, came as a result of the life-saving gastric sleeve surgery. I will share about this journey and call it “musings of the formerly fluffy” in homage to Garfield the Cat.
My Personal Journey
Finally, and this is the most challenging, I will share about the things “we” are not supposed to talk about in mixed company. Still…the silence is killing me. I am a woman who is living with, surviving, fighting clinical Depression. I call it “the cloud” and it has been kicking my boo-tay as my doctor and I are trying to find the right combination of treatment. I am in therapy. I meditate. I pray. I exercise. I am even looking into clinical trials. It’s challenging. It’s embarrassing but it is my reality.
I was always told that therapy and depression was something weak, white women experienced. As a woman of color, I’m not supposed to have time for “that mess.” I’m too busy being too strong for too many. Well, folks, depression is real…even when you “have it all.” I have a beautiful marriage, an incredible child, and I am finally pursuing my dream of getting a PhD. I have every reason in the world to be happy…and I am. But…that…stinkin’…cloud. I hope sharing about this experience can help someone else stop feeling guilty for not being able to “pray” it away and maybe get some help.
I don’t know what else I will share. This journey is as new to me as it is to you. I sincerely thank you for taking time from your schedule to read my blog.
*Sigue adelante=a phrase of encouragement meaning keep moving or move ahead.